Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's been too long.

This is a super old post that I never publicly posted but I read it and thought I should because it's crazy how these same feelings come back.

I am not motivated or focused on anything right now because I'm thinking about things of little importance that are Gods deal not mine, why is it so hard to just give everything up to Him? I will never understand, just when I think I have grasped it, I realize I haven't. Every day's a new struggle, a new lesson and I know I am getting closer and God is showing me great things. I just wish it could be a "teeny" bit easier than this...

How can one person bring such happiness in your life but then turn around and make you feel miserable? But yet you don't want to be with anyone but that one person. I just don't get it… This goes with boys, friends, family, really anyone. I just always want what I can't have. It's the weirdest thing because it's not even like I want "it" I just want a challenge.

I just don’t think I can ever be good enough for anyone. Seriously, what does it even mean to be good enough anyway? I read my Bible, I pray, I care for people that could care less, or that actually would probably hunt me down if they had a chance. What am I doing wrong???? I still want to love those people, I honestly do. I love people! I truly feel like something’s wrong with me because I feel this way. My best friend Britt and I were talking about this Thursday night until about 5am. We just think a lot alike (we should be sisters) and were talking about how we feel as if everything we do isn’t good enough for us to be considered Christians. We feel as if we do everything the Bible says and the law says, but yet why do we still feel so far?? I mean I know everything happens for a reason and there is more to life than me to be questioning my faith, but it’s just all so confusing to me. There are so many questions my heart yearns to know. It drives me crazy sometimes.

People don't understand me and I am sick of trying to prove myself to them. I am who I am, not what people think I am, if you really want to know then try, smile back at me when I smile at you. When I compliment you don't just look at me like I am crazy, a simple thank you would do. People think I am annoying because I laugh loud, SMILE BIG, and get happy about the simple things. Last time I checked there was no wrong in that. I am sick of people that claim so hard to be Christians but don't show one good deed. What is faith without deeds? Believe it or not that’s biblical, James 2. This is why I don't want to go back to CBU, sick, sick, sick of it. I know pretty crappy attitude. I feel like I can go somewhere else and pour into people that don't know Christ instead of spending thousands of dollars I don't have to be with people that all at least know of Christ and have either chosen to follow or reject. I get too comfortable and start doing nothing with my life. I want to be homeless, honestly, I don't want anything I just look at this life as not being my own, it's not, it's God’s. Why is it the hardest thing to go overseas and just live there with nothing and help and play with kids all day?? That's what I want to do but yet, I feel it is impossible. It is so simple and so beautiful and I have no idea how I can accomplish this without spending thousands of dollars. I still can't grasp this? I don't know, I say I hate change but I am starting to think I actually love it. I like being moved around and thrown into different situations it keeps life interesting.

Well, now that I just poured my heart, I don’t really know what else to say. Sorry if this offends anyone I just had to write. I write because it helps me organize my thoughts, and everything I write is my prayer to God.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Can't SLEEP!



So tonight I was real tired I decided I was definitely going to sleep early and I was out at 10pm. I was pooped after a good day of hanging out with my niece, Olivia and my sister, Jodi at Houston's. I wake up at 12:30am and can't seem to fall back asleep. I got on Facebook and decided I would look though all my tagged photos. Well, that either was a bad idea or a good idea, I can't decide as of right now. I got extremely sad seeing all of the great memories I had. It's so bittersweet to me. I look at Randi and Eron and when we worked together and know this will never ever happen again and I wish it could. I remember being so happy every time walking into work thinking I know I am going to be laughing non-stop or will have a great talk with anyone of my co-workers. They are my family and I could never replace them. I then saw all the great pictures from the Middle East and those are tear jerkers, I'll tell yeah. I can't believe how amazing of a trip that was, and how incredibly fast it was all over. Too fast, not enough time. I just think to myself I will never have those precious times back and it's a depressing feeling. I know there are may more to come but really not ones like I have had already. I have lived a pretty good life and am happy to say I have experienced more than a lot of 21 year olds can say. I am blessed, easy as that. I want to invent a time machine so I could go back and re-live everything over the past two years because those were some of the greatest times of my life. The people in my life during that time will forever be there and forever be considered as family in my heart. Oh boy, such a depressing blog but life is so bittersweet and it just proved itself again to me. I know many more memories will come but I honestly don't think anything can replace those memories already installed in my heart.

.love love love.