It's been too long.

This is a super old post that I never publicly posted but I read it and thought I should because it's crazy how these same feelings come back.

I am not motivated or focused on anything right now because I'm thinking about things of little importance that are Gods deal not mine, why is it so hard to just give everything up to Him? I will never understand, just when I think I have grasped it, I realize I haven't. Every day's a new struggle, a new lesson and I know I am getting closer and God is showing me great things. I just wish it could be a "teeny" bit easier than this...

How can one person bring such happiness in your life but then turn around and make you feel miserable? But yet you don't want to be with anyone but that one person. I just don't get it… This goes with boys, friends, family, really anyone. I just always want what I can't have. It's the weirdest thing because it's not even like I want "it" I just want a challenge.

I just don’t think I can ever be good enough for anyone. Seriously, what does it even mean to be good enough anyway? I read my Bible, I pray, I care for people that could care less, or that actually would probably hunt me down if they had a chance. What am I doing wrong???? I still want to love those people, I honestly do. I love people! I truly feel like something’s wrong with me because I feel this way. My best friend Britt and I were talking about this Thursday night until about 5am. We just think a lot alike (we should be sisters) and were talking about how we feel as if everything we do isn’t good enough for us to be considered Christians. We feel as if we do everything the Bible says and the law says, but yet why do we still feel so far?? I mean I know everything happens for a reason and there is more to life than me to be questioning my faith, but it’s just all so confusing to me. There are so many questions my heart yearns to know. It drives me crazy sometimes.

People don't understand me and I am sick of trying to prove myself to them. I am who I am, not what people think I am, if you really want to know then try, smile back at me when I smile at you. When I compliment you don't just look at me like I am crazy, a simple thank you would do. People think I am annoying because I laugh loud, SMILE BIG, and get happy about the simple things. Last time I checked there was no wrong in that. I am sick of people that claim so hard to be Christians but don't show one good deed. What is faith without deeds? Believe it or not that’s biblical, James 2. This is why I don't want to go back to CBU, sick, sick, sick of it. I know pretty crappy attitude. I feel like I can go somewhere else and pour into people that don't know Christ instead of spending thousands of dollars I don't have to be with people that all at least know of Christ and have either chosen to follow or reject. I get too comfortable and start doing nothing with my life. I want to be homeless, honestly, I don't want anything I just look at this life as not being my own, it's not, it's God’s. Why is it the hardest thing to go overseas and just live there with nothing and help and play with kids all day?? That's what I want to do but yet, I feel it is impossible. It is so simple and so beautiful and I have no idea how I can accomplish this without spending thousands of dollars. I still can't grasp this? I don't know, I say I hate change but I am starting to think I actually love it. I like being moved around and thrown into different situations it keeps life interesting.

Well, now that I just poured my heart, I don’t really know what else to say. Sorry if this offends anyone I just had to write. I write because it helps me organize my thoughts, and everything I write is my prayer to God.

Can't SLEEP!

WORK

JORDAN




So tonight I was real tired I decided I was definitely going to sleep early and I was out at 10pm. I was pooped after a good day of hanging out with my niece, Olivia and my sister, Jodi at Houston's. I wake up at 12:30am and can't seem to fall back asleep. I got on Facebook and decided I would look though all my tagged photos. Well, that either was a bad idea or a good idea, I can't decide as of right now. I got extremely sad seeing all of the great memories I had. It's so bittersweet to me. I look at Randi and Eron and when we worked together and know this will never ever happen again and I wish it could. I remember being so happy every time walking into work thinking I know I am going to be laughing non-stop or will have a great talk with anyone of my co-workers. They are my family and I could never replace them. I then saw all the great pictures from the Middle East and those are tear jerkers, I'll tell yeah. I can't believe how amazing of a trip that was, and how incredibly fast it was all over. Too fast, not enough time. I just think to myself I will never have those precious times back and it's a depressing feeling. I know there are may more to come but really not ones like I have had already. I have lived a pretty good life and am happy to say I have experienced more than a lot of 21 year olds can say. I am blessed, easy as that. I want to invent a time machine so I could go back and re-live everything over the past two years because those were some of the greatest times of my life. The people in my life during that time will forever be there and forever be considered as family in my heart. Oh boy, such a depressing blog but life is so bittersweet and it just proved itself again to me. I know many more memories will come but I honestly don't think anything can replace those memories already installed in my heart.

.love love love. 

Help

So I have just recently moved to L.A., Santa Monica exactly and I am completely in love. I knew I was before I moved out here but I thought I wouldn't be able too for a loooong time. I am here because of my sister and let me tell you she's been the biggest blessing once again in my entire life. She is truly incredible in every way, shape and form. 

Sorry, sorry getting sidetracked in all the wonderful people I have been blessed with. The point of this blog is to hopefully maybe get across to some people...? In Santa Monica I maybe use my car once a week, most times less. I walk everywhere, or I go on my daily run down to the beach and it's so cool, it's like a mini New York. But with that being said, there are homeless people everywhere! I walk and there is at least one every block (there was even one that yelled at me every day and even spit on me, haha, great story). I have come to the point where I just have gotten used to it until today.  While I was walking around 3rd street promenade there was a particular man that I couldn't just pass. I stood there waiting for the light to say "walk" and I saw him and started to tear up as he ate the only food he had in his hands as if he hadn't eaten in years. The reason it killed me was because he looked so clean, so "fatherly" and just someone that got the short end of the stick. I went up to him while he was eating and asked him if I could help. I don't need to tell you "what I did" because it is not important my point is that we caught on to a very nice conversation and I realized there is sooo much more to people that live on the streets. He didn't seem crazy, drugged or smell like alcohol. I really believe he was telling me the truth when he told me his story. I sat there holding back tears thinking this Christmas I am not going to be with my family because of certain reasons and I think, what is he doing? I sit and complain about nothing when in reality I have everything! Now, what I am asking everyone and anyone that reads this blog to do is to instead of every month spending 20 bucks on yourself give it to an orphanage, feed a homeless person, or something else of that sort which is soooo easy, trust me, I know, so there are no excuses! Or even instead of spending tons of money on people this Christmas split it in half and give the other half to people that really could use it. Also, if you don't have money volunteer somewhere to play with kids with special needs or orphans, they need your love a lot more then your friends do. I don't know just a thought but I feel if everyone did that, the world could quite possibly be such a better place.

Spread the LOVE guys and give it out as freely as you give money for clothes or Starbucks. Open your heart this Christmas and give just a little. It's the best gift you can give to someone and yourself.

Changes

There has been a lot going on these past few weeks, but with the election finally over I feel I can finally rest. It was my first year being able to vote so I was excited. I am happy to say we officially made history November 4th, 2008, electing our first African American  president, Barack Obama. I don't necessarily agree with his beliefs but I respect him and think our Country has come so far, I pray he will take us to a whole new level. I am very, very proud to say I am an American and always have been. One thing I have to admit is I did vote for McCain and was sad to hear he admitted his defeat to Obama before all the polls came in. I listened to both Obamas and McCains speech and was extremely pleased with them. I thought McCain handled the defeat wonderfully and respected Obama as our new president, which is what he should have done. Now, Obamas speech just verified how amazing of a speaker he is and how America is ready for change. Considering CHANGE is what he has stood for all along. Seeing his family mixed with Biden's family on the stage after his speech gave me the chills. I am rooting for our Nation and the change that has been promised, although with him being our first African American president is change enough for me to be satisfied. 

P.s. You have to admit he is handsome too.

Counting my blessings!

My Jordan team...

First the girls: Rox, Amanda, Steph and I all snuggly under the blanket at the Grimes. (Kelsey and Tierney couldn't make it =( ).

The boys: Aaron and Jacob wanted to snuggle too. (Ryan couldn't be there either).

Guy had his recliner! (The man responsible for teaching the boys to be men!)

At work with Randi a long time ago but it brings back great memories!

Randi and her "real" daughter Belle, they are so BEAUTIFUL!

Earlier today at work as I was standing by the door I realized just how breathtaking the sunshine really is. I stood there in awe for a few minutes and realized waking up early is a beautiful thing. As I went about my day I got a text message from my "mom" Randi (one of the most influential ladies in my life) saying, "Hey I just wanted to tell you that I love you :) something about the sun reminded me of you :) love you and be wise." I read that and almost was in tears because just a few minutes prior I was thinking about the sun and its beauty. The fact that someone looks at the sun and can think of me makes me realize that it is all Gods doing, it has got to be Him. I am an ugly person, so desperately ugly that in no way should I remind anyone of the sun, but I did and that is because Gods beauty can shine through even the ugliest of people.

  My day continued and it only got better as I went to hangout with the wonderful people I traveled to Jordan with. I got to Amanda's apt. and instantly felt the peace these people bring me. There are just certain people in my life that I can be around and in seconds I am at peace and have happiness. The drive to the Grimes was eventful, full of wonderful conversations, and flash backs of being in Jordan that are so bittersweet. Literally, anytime I am with this great group of people I forget who I am, my "identity" and I am ME, for once, truly myself, "the creep", ha ha. It's an unreal feeling when you can have friends that really are family. We all are so different but relate to each other in ways that I know it was Gods doing putting us together. The drive home was even better talking about Gods work in our lives recently and what we are thankful for. I thanked God for the strength I thought I never had in me and the ability to let go of the past. I also had a great talk with Amanda and little by little I am realizing we are more alike than I thought. Guy Grimes (like a dad to me) said at dinner tonight, does it ever feel like the trip to Jordan was almost like a dream, and all of us answered back so quickly, YES! He explained it is surreal to think about it and I couldn't agree more. I can go on and on about this amazing group of people God just plopped in my life, but I don't think anyone can ever truly know how they complete me. 

Thank you Randi for being that guide through a rough patch in my life, thank you for never giving up on me even when I wore clown shoes my first day, thank you for making up bird names with me, thank you for being with me through the laughs, tears, sweat and craziness (and there was a lot) in my life and always encouraging me to better myself and never settle (should have listened). You have brought more than joy to my life and will never know just how grateful I am for you, you are the true essence of God's beauty!

...and,

thank you to my Jordan team for giving me the most amazing 3 weeks of my life in a foreign country, thank you for being the best team leaders I could have ever asked for you taught me more than I bargained for, thank you for inspiring me to dig deeper in my spiritual walk and in all people, thank you for letting be ME, knowing all the ugly things about me and actually still loving me. 

Just counting some of my many blessings...

Apologies

I have written some things on this page that have been my innermost feelings and looking back I realize I probably shouldn't have.  Seeing as I can not turn back time and start over I am going to say sorry to anyone that has read my blog and has been hurt. This especially goes out to my family. My blog is a place where I thought I could say whatever and no one would find it, I shortly figured out that was a naive way of thinking. Writing does make me feel better and relieve my stress at times, no matter how immature that sounds, it's true. I never enjoyed writing until I started this silly thing. Putting my deep personal thoughts on this blog was a bad idea in more ways then one and I did learn that the hard way. I couldn't help but be intrigued by it at first although, that is no excuse. All I can do from here is say sorry and start over. I am remorsefully sorry once again and hope we all can move past this and move on, I love you. 

No need for a title....

So I haven't written lately, I have almost too much to write about. I don't really feel the need to write it all down on this though. Anyway, I have read two books in the last two weeks and have enjoyed them very much. I forgot how much I love reading. I have read everyday for the last two weeks for at least an hour each day and it's so refreshing. I enjoy it so much more then spending countless hours on the internet or watching repetitive movies or T.V. shows. Although, I do enjoy those too, books are where my imagination takes action and I can be the director in my head and act out the scenes as if it is my own movie. Call me crazy, it wouldn't be the first time I heard it but I just wanted to share that for no reason. Toodles, that's all.