Apologies

I have written some things on this page that have been my innermost feelings and looking back I realize I probably shouldn't have.  Seeing as I can not turn back time and start over I am going to say sorry to anyone that has read my blog and has been hurt. This especially goes out to my family. My blog is a place where I thought I could say whatever and no one would find it, I shortly figured out that was a naive way of thinking. Writing does make me feel better and relieve my stress at times, no matter how immature that sounds, it's true. I never enjoyed writing until I started this silly thing. Putting my deep personal thoughts on this blog was a bad idea in more ways then one and I did learn that the hard way. I couldn't help but be intrigued by it at first although, that is no excuse. All I can do from here is say sorry and start over. I am remorsefully sorry once again and hope we all can move past this and move on, I love you. 

No need for a title....

So I haven't written lately, I have almost too much to write about. I don't really feel the need to write it all down on this though. Anyway, I have read two books in the last two weeks and have enjoyed them very much. I forgot how much I love reading. I have read everyday for the last two weeks for at least an hour each day and it's so refreshing. I enjoy it so much more then spending countless hours on the internet or watching repetitive movies or T.V. shows. Although, I do enjoy those too, books are where my imagination takes action and I can be the director in my head and act out the scenes as if it is my own movie. Call me crazy, it wouldn't be the first time I heard it but I just wanted to share that for no reason. Toodles, that's all. 

The other side...

Every day it seems that I turn another page,
And it feels like the heartache fades a little more away,
I look in the mirror and I like what I see, 
Hey you didn't take that much, baby, out of me...  
Something proud and something strong, 
Fills the absence of a memory that's dead and gone...  
[Chorus] 
I do believe I'm crossing over, 
I feel that weight come off my shoulder,
I close my eyes, and I drift over To the other side... 
And lord I swear I'm crossing over, 
I found the strength to let you go, 
And the thought of you, 
is getting colder and further from my mind... 
And I think I've crossed that line- to the other side... 
Lately I find, when I'm walking through town, 
I don't have to turn away, 
I don't have to look down, 
If I should see you with somebody new, 
Well, I might get sentimental, but I'll make it through...  
Something real and something right, 
Puts the shadow of a doubt in a different light....  
[Chorus] 
I do believe I be crossing over, 
I feel that weight come off my shoulder, 
I close my eyes, and I drift closer, 
To the other side... 
And now I swear I'm crossing over, 
I found the strength to let you go,
And the thought of you, is getting colder and further from my mind... 
And I think I've crossed that line- to the other side...
Something real and something right, 
Puts the shadow of a doubt in a different light.... 
[Chorus] 
I do believe I'm crossing over, 
I feel that weight come off my shoulder,
I close my eyes, and I drift closer To the other side... 
And lord I swear I'm crossing over, 
I found the strength to let you go,
And the thought of you- is getting colder and further from my mind, 
And I think I've crossed that line- to the other side!  
I love Deana Carter she has been one of my favorite Country artist since I can remember.
I put on her C.D. because I figured I hadn't listened to her in a long time and this song was the very last one on her C.D. and I thought to myself, hmmm, yes FINALLY I am crossing over, and it feels gooooooood so good!!!!!

One more random little thing could anyone who reads this put a prayer up for Greg Laurie (the pastor at Harvest church) and his family and all of the people at Harvest that knew his son Christopher. He passed away today due to a car accident on the 91 freeway. He has a wife named Cathy a little girl and one on the way that's due in October. I can't imagine the aching in their hearts for this loss, it breaks my heart. Pray that God keeps them strong and that the devil does not get a foothold on them in this horrible tragedy, thank you.

Dima and Sahar...

Kelsey, Tamara, Sahar, Sarah, Dima and I with our best friend bracelets on. We all got matching bracelets before Kels and I left.

Our last day with the girls, so sad to leave!

The bracelets!!

Me, Dima and Sarah (Dima's little sister) eating at the yummiest place in Jordan called Jerusalem!

Sahar, Kels me and Dima all had the same glasses so we had to take a picture!

Us trying to take a picture downtown but we were all laughing!

Kels, Peter, Dima, Sarah, Sahar and I had to take a picture with Peter because he had our matching glasses too! We met him randomly walking downtown and he heard me talk and stopped me and asked where I was from turns out he is from D.C., pretty cool!


As most of you know I took an amazing journey to Jordan, the Middle East this past May and had the experience of a lifetime! Today I woke up and was actually down in the dumps because I missed Jordan so much and my friends out there. I got on facebook and checked my page and had two picture comments from Dima and Sahar, two girls I had met in Jordan and became very close too, I got so excited to hear from them! About two minutes passes and Dima messages me through facebook, then Sahar did and I was glowing with happiness! I was talking to both of my friends in Jordan that I had been so upset about and missing! God works in the craziest ways, He knew just hearing from them would make my heart at ease and feel at peace! I talked to them for about an hour each and let me tell you it was a great talk! I heard all about Dima's graduation party and how much fun they had, they told me how much they wished I was there and all the girls missed me sooo much, which was so nice to hear because I miss them! I went on to ask them about Islam and got to learn a little bit more about that and it's always great to learn more about other religions and cultures. I also got to bring up my faith and I found out Dima has actually read some of the Bible and has a lot of Christian friends which is amazing to know! I know I just got to keep praying that God will give me the right words to speak LOVE to them because I care for them and love them so much! I am so excited right now I could scream, haha! I know I should never doubt God and what he has planned for me or those girls. I know I will continue to doubt through out my life but it's time like these that God shows himself so clearly how can I not believe??

Think

Lately I have found myself thinking non-stop to the point where I can't sleep. My mind is so jumbled with different thoughts about people, my life, my "journey", my family, my God, and of course the thing that fills every womens head, men, or should I say boys. I keep saying why? I know what a lame question, but I ask it all the time. I have put people on this pedestal and tried to reach it myself but realize no I will never get there, not because I am not good enough, just because that's not the road God wants me to take. The road God wants me to take is definitely the road less traveled. I have kept praying and trusting God but all that keeps happening is signs showing I need to leave to help others. Although, some days I want to just have all the riches in the world I realize that it is just temporary, the Kingdom of God is eternal that's what I work and strive for everyday! Sunday morning I was having a chat with an old "friend" and we started talking about God. I brought up how my life feels level, I am not abandoning God but I feel as though I am not glorifying Him right now either. I read my Bible, I pray, but I feel empty about it. He said faith is easy Shelb, it becomes hard when you actually get tested and he said the same thing with believing in God. He said don't worry it will all come together in the end, just keep reading, keep praying God will not reign fire on you if you do something wrong, you are going to punish yourself with your conscience and feeling guilty. He said many other things that helped me but I thought it was crazy that him and I were just talking about this then I go to church and the sermon Matt Brown had was on just that. I don't know what God is trying to tell me but I definitely can feel something. I guess this all goes back to why my head is so jumbled. Nothing is really making sense, but yet I have to trust in God with it, that's what faith is all about.

One more thought, I trust people so easily and almost everyday I get let down, recently this has been the biggest dilemma in my life. I am sick of thinking people won't let me down, they often do I just need to realize people aren't perfect that is the way God made it. That doesn't mean I need to sit around and take the way I get treated or backstabbed by people that call me a great freind because honestly if I was that great of a friend things like "this" wouldn't happen, right? I have said this before I can forgive only by the grace of God but I don't know if I can ever trust again. Lying is a nasty sin that is so easy to get tangled in, I know. I just hope God can save me from the temptations I may have to lie to someone seeing the outcome in my life nothing good comes from it. Lying hurts others and yourself. One day I pray everyone will realize when you sin even against yourself or another you are hurting not only yourself and that other person but every single person that cares about you or cares about the other. It is like dropping a pebble in a pond, it ripples, and shakes up the whole pond. People can say sorry all they want and we can forgive all we want, but the word sorry is meant to be used one time not numerous times for the same situation repeating itself. The word sorry gets abused in my opinion, it's easy to say but hard to follow up on. If we would let God take that sorry and all the sin that comes with it, we wouldn't have to keep using the word sorry so much, but that seems to be the hardest thing to do. My niece and I were talking one late night around Christmas time and I was telling her about a situation and how I hated the way I felt and I can't even imagine how others were feeling about it. I found myself beggining to understand others feelings very well (I know sad being 20 years old and finally realizing others have feelings too). She said to me you got it Shelb, you understand, all you need to do is think J.O.Y. (Jesus, others and yourself). I know cheesy but coming from an 10 year old at the time I was blown away. I thought to myself wow, I am going to keep that in mind and everyday wake up thinking that. It has helped me not to be so selfish in my journey with God.

I want people to THINK that one night of satisfaction is not worth giving up an eternity with God. I want people to THINK that what is cool is not always right. I want people to THINK about others before themselves and this world would be without so much pain. I just want people to THINK...

I know God uses all pain to make Him stronger, because broken people draw near to Him. I really do understand this, pain needs to be in this world to know we are living for something much greater! I don't understand people is what I am trying to say, somethings I will never know until I am face to face with God, and oh boy I can't wait! Every day is a struggle and I am thankful because the more I get broken the more I actually become stronger in God.

I want...

...to go back to Jordan so bad, at this point I would do anything.

Note to self: My timing is off, God's timing is perfect!

Just a late night, wishful thought.

Goodnight ya'll.

My sister

Haha, and I introduce you to my sister Lisa, for those of you who don't know her, this is her and as you can see she is crack up! She is such a kid at heart but a great Mom and sister too! This was two nights before they moved I helped them pack and then we went to SUSHI and took some pretty funny pictures in her car!

Took O to the beach the day before they moved.

Olivia is BEAUTIFUL!

AHHH!! This is why I love her so much!

Driving home from the beach, stuck in traffic but her and I always have a good time singing to the Beatles or Beach boys!

She's sooo cute!

Going out to dinner, yum yum!

Here's Milla Jane, Lisa's new baby.


Lisa again I thought I'd show you a normal picture.

This is my family when they took me to Vegas, Lisa, Jodi, me and Olivia. Jodi is amazing as well!

Dining room all packed up.

Kitchen

Living room

Olivia's room was sooo cool!

Lisa's room



My sister Lisa left yesterday to Santa Monica. Even the thought of that makes me sad. I know what everyone is thinking, "it's just Santa Monica," but no, no it's much more than that. I was over at her house in Riverside everyday, my job was to watch her daughter, my best friend and niece, Olivia, and sometimes her new baby Milla and now I can't do that anymore. They are both the most loving people in the world! A lot of who I am I give full credit to both of them. Olivia is only 11 and she has taught me more about Christ then many people in my life. She is such a beautiful child of God! I am so thankful for her! I grow everyday hanging out with her and I only hope I can be as much as an example of God for her as she is for me. She is brilliant and God sure blessed her with brains and good looks too! I am probably going to drive by there old house from time to time and just sit there and think because that house holds so many memories and so much happened there that I will never forget. I will always hold those memories in that house dear to my heart. So many of them, how could I forget? I know my sister is strong and she will be perfect there and it is much more conveinent for her to be there considering her job consists of her driving to L.A. for castings almost everyday! I just am being selfish not wanting her to be there because of all the great times we have shared, and all the times I would just call because I had a bad day and she would say come over we will cheer you up! She could always cheer me up no matter how much I didn't want to be around people, I could always count on her! I guess I just wanted to show everyone how much they have given me and all I could think of was to dedicate a blog to them to show my love for them! I really do love them and like I said before God has a reason for all of this, the hard part is figuring that meaning out...

It's time to make some more good memories in Santa Monica in her new apartment, praise God for that!