Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
So I thought I would just write out a little bit of my story, just because some stuff happened recently that I wanted to write about.
I am tired of thinking nothing makes sense anymore. I don't think I will ever be good enough for anyone. And that mainly goes out to my parents. I will never understand them and the things they do. A simple, "I am proud of you" would do. No, never happens. I used to center my life around doing only the things that I knew would make them happy, but I couldn't be fake anymore. Now, that I am on my own and not living my life exactly how they want I am "disowned". I am doing nothing wrong with my life, I go to school, a school that is Christian based (their religion, ha) and am paying for it all on my own and live all on my own. I honestly don't make stupid decisions or put myself in bad situations where I could hurt myself, or others (well depends on your opinion, I guess). I am starting to give up hope on so many people, especially my parents, and I don't want to. I don't want to at all, but it is so hard when the person you look up to most is always "disappointed" in you because his wife tells him to be. Or when the woman he is married to doesn't even want to be in the same place as you and makes it pretty obvious by telling my sister. Or leaves their grand-child's 11th birthday without even singing happy birthday to her because you show up and start having fun with what you are supposed to call your family, right? I just don't get it. I don't get how my own father could disown his children for her? I am the only one out of the four that actually has tried to keep a good relationship with him. I moved out of my mom’s house to live with him and Lori my junior year and my other sisters moved out of my dad’s house to my moms. I am the only one that tried to do better and go to school out of my family (well blood family, meaning out of my 4 blood sisters). For God's sake Dad be a man! Be a father! Please, the fact that I am not even allowed to call you Daddy in front of her makes me sick. So what if I am 20 and called him that when I was a kid, he is my Daddy nothing will change that! I just want him back when I was 8 and would sleep in his room with him every night when my parents were divorcing because if I didn't I wouldn't fall asleep unless he was right next to me. I get so frustrated because this is becoming a problem of mine. I don't even know how to define a real man, Godly man, because my examples are so out of whack!
I never told anyone really about this because I ran from this problem my junior year and forgot about it until recently. CRAZY! My mom left my dad of thirteen years of marriage being unfaithful the whole time for a man named Kandane, which was shortly soon to be my step-dad. I was only 7 when this all happened so it's kind of a blur but all I knew is I hated this man! Ha, didn't take me long to fall in love with him soon though! He became my Daddy and everything to me! I literally would fall asleep in his arms every night! He came to all my cheer comps and all my games and everything ROOTING me on! I think my real dad came to one and there were hundreds. He didn't "agree" (thought we were all backstabbing sluts is actually what he said to me) with it, therefore he didn't show any support. Which slowly but surely broke me down. So my mom had more custody of us then my dad did, I only saw my dad every weekend from Friday night to Monday morning, but the third weekends were my moms. My mom’s house was the "party house" and oh boy do I have some great memories! Haha, always people over, mainly the football boys staying the night all the time and it was just the life I lead, I was honestly one of the boys. Every night it was just non-stop fun and crazy ridiculous nights that actually I should have gotten in a lot of trouble for. Anyways, my step-dad in the middle of my freshman year was going to get baptized and starting getting really deep into God and everything was going great. One day I brought something into the open and lets just say it went over a lot worse then I expected. My step-dad hit rock bottom and began coming home drunk and cheating was going on, I figured. I only knew what I saw because my mom acted like everything was perfect. It was not at all it was hell! My mom found out what bar he was going to went to that bar saw him dancing with another women and punched her in the face, next morning cops were at our door and tried to arrest my mom. Trust me that wasn’t the first time that happened either, cops were over a few times. My sisters and I had to always take care of our mom and ourselves we were the "moms". Finally, one morning we all woke up to find out Kandane, GONE! He had left and he left in my soon to be truck a Shelby Dodge (my baby). It was the most miserable day of my life. I just remember crying and crying in my mom’s bed asking God why, and I didn't even know if God was real. For some reason all I knew is that when I talked to Him I felt better. I was only 15 when this was going on and I felt it was my fault for some stuff that came into the open that happened so long ago. One day a couple weeks later I woke up and my mom and Kandane were in the living room, I freaked out and said YOU'RE BACK!!! I was soo happy! Words can’t even explain. Him and I were inseparable. I didn't ever let go of him I was wrapped in his arms every night. He had come back to us after only a few weeks, I knew he would, I knew he couldn't leave us. Well I was wrong once again, he only lasted a week, then, he was gone again, but this time he took his stuff. I was CRUSHED! Absolutely crushed! Once again, I was hysterical in my mom’s room and asking why??? I was with him every night did he not love me? What did I do wrong? I felt blamed again. I thought to myself what a fake, what a fake, he came back to just get his stuff and then leave again! I HATE HIM! I didn't care anymore about it I numbed it out of my body and pushed it all to the back of my mind! I did that and I did it well. No one even knew at my school what was going on until my mom started dating a different guy every week and bringing him to all my comps (when I'd strictly ask her not to, for the simple reason I didn't want to have to explain what was going on because I didn’t want to deal with it). Questions and rumors went around my school for sometime, funny thing was the rumors were about my mom not even me. It was horrible. I wanted to get away sooo bad!!! The second I got a chance I did, my dad moved into a house in Riverside right next Martin Luther King high school the school I wanted to go to so badly! I left my moms house because her and I were not getting along, fighting every night to the point of us almost fist fighting. I would be throwing stuff at her and she'd be throwing stuff back I would get kicked out and wouldn't leave because I had no respect for her and instead of blaming myself it felt better blaming her. I would disrespect her because I just didn't care and knew she wouldn't do anything. She would tell me she didn’t care if I left and she never saw me again so that was when I said to her well, GOOD, ‘cause I am out Mom and went to my dads. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but shortly got our relationship back to kind of normal it never will really be normal I don’t think. Don't get me wrong there were good times, I just was a very angry kid on the inside but never ever showed it on the outside. It was just really bad. So I left, my dad got me on April 18th 2004. I remember the exact day. I started at King that next week and FORGOT all about my old life at Canyon Springs in Moreno Valley…
Until about a month ago when I got a call from... Kandane. Not talking to him for about 7 years and completely erasing him from my memory was probably the worst thing I could have done. I didn't pick the phone up because I didn't recognize the number it was a Texas number. He left a message and all those feelings came rushing back! Hurt, pain, blame, shame, love, abuse... everything flooded back and it was almost overwhelming, thank God my best friend Britt was with me. I explained the whole story to her and she had never even heard me talk about my step-dad or that whole other side of the family, because I literally forgot about them. I would say something about them but never thought about it or talked about it. I mean they were in my life for about 10 years. Kandane called to invite me to Granny’s house for a birthday party and that he wanted to see me and talk. I thought talk?? About what??? Haha, that's a joke. You left me it's to late buddy sorry!! I slowly calmed down and ended up going to see him and my old family that Saturday. I was so happy to see him he hadn't changed much still the big 6 foot 6 huge retired military man I knew! He was my dad! It felt so good to wrap my arms around him. It was hard at first to be normal around this side of the family I had blocked out for so long. Slowly, I became myself and I got to talk to Kandane and ask him all the questions I had been dying to ask him. Like, why he left? Was it my fault? Was their cheating going on? All my questions got answered and there were lots and lots tears and emotions! It was all good tears though, because my sisters went too and we all got to clear our chests. Overall it was an amazing day to have my dad back. It was a crappy feeling to leave though and know that was it, he was going back to Texas and I didn't know when I would ever see him again. That day was probably one of the best in my life. Even thinking about it gives me chills and tears to my eyes. In all honestly if I could say anything I would advise don't run from your problems because when they come back its 10x worse! I just can't get over how life works?! (Pictures of the day are up at the top).
I never really have shared my story before so that is just a very very very little bit into my life and what’s gone on. There is a whole lot more to it, crazy to even think that huh? It makes a lot more sense to why I am the way I am. The way I am with guys, my friends, school and just everyday things. I really notice how much my past affects me. I would try and run from it but it does come back full throttle. All I can say is I thank God for that though. I would be the weakest person alive if I hadn’t gone through these things. I see where I was and where I am at now and think WOW, I was really a bad person, had so much anger and hate towards people and things that I couldn’t control. I sure have got a long ways to go but I think to myself of God can really change me from the person I was to who I am now, He can change anyone. It’s crazy how it all works like I said before I never will understand it, but I know one thing there is more to life then drama, anger, hate, laughter, love, gossip and so on…..God is LIFE! I am glad I finally figured this out before it was too late. Faith is everything!