Lately I have found myself thinking non-stop to the point where I can't sleep. My mind is so jumbled with different thoughts about people, my life, my "journey", my family, my God, and of course the thing that fills every womens head, men, or should I say boys. I keep saying why? I know what a lame question, but I ask it all the time. I have put people on this pedestal and tried to reach it myself but realize no I will never get there, not because I am not good enough, just because that's not the road God wants me to take. The road God wants me to take is definitely the road less traveled. I have kept praying and trusting God but all that keeps happening is signs showing I need to leave to help others. Although, some days I want to just have all the riches in the world I realize that it is just temporary, the Kingdom of God is eternal that's what I work and strive for everyday! Sunday morning I was having a chat with an old "friend" and we started talking about God. I brought up how my life feels level, I am not abandoning God but I feel as though I am not glorifying Him right now either. I read my Bible, I pray, but I feel empty about it. He said faith is easy Shelb, it becomes hard when you actually get tested and he said the same thing with believing in God. He said don't worry it will all come together in the end, just keep reading, keep praying God will not reign fire on you if you do something wrong, you are going to punish yourself with your conscience and feeling guilty. He said many other things that helped me but I thought it was crazy that him and I were just talking about this then I go to church and the sermon Matt Brown had was on just that. I don't know what God is trying to tell me but I definitely can feel something. I guess this all goes back to why my head is so jumbled. Nothing is really making sense, but yet I have to trust in God with it, that's what faith is all about.
One more thought, I trust people so easily and almost everyday I get let down, recently this has been the biggest dilemma in my life. I am sick of thinking people won't let me down, they often do I just need to realize people aren't perfect that is the way God made it. That doesn't mean I need to sit around and take the way I get treated or backstabbed by people that call me a great freind because honestly if I was that great of a friend things like "this" wouldn't happen, right? I have said this before I can forgive only by the grace of God but I don't know if I can ever trust again. Lying is a nasty sin that is so easy to get tangled in, I know. I just hope God can save me from the temptations I may have to lie to someone seeing the outcome in my life nothing good comes from it. Lying hurts others and yourself. One day I pray everyone will realize when you sin even against yourself or another you are hurting not only yourself and that other person but every single person that cares about you or cares about the other. It is like dropping a pebble in a pond, it ripples, and shakes up the whole pond. People can say sorry all they want and we can forgive all we want, but the word sorry is meant to be used one time not numerous times for the same situation repeating itself. The word sorry gets abused in my opinion, it's easy to say but hard to follow up on. If we would let God take that sorry and all the sin that comes with it, we wouldn't have to keep using the word sorry so much, but that seems to be the hardest thing to do. My niece and I were talking one late night around Christmas time and I was telling her about a situation and how I hated the way I felt and I can't even imagine how others were feeling about it. I found myself beggining to understand others feelings very well (I know sad being 20 years old and finally realizing others have feelings too). She said to me you got it Shelb, you understand, all you need to do is think J.O.Y. (Jesus, others and yourself). I know cheesy but coming from an 10 year old at the time I was blown away. I thought to myself wow, I am going to keep that in mind and everyday wake up thinking that. It has helped me not to be so selfish in my journey with God.
I want people to THINK that one night of satisfaction is not worth giving up an eternity with God. I want people to THINK that what is cool is not always right. I want people to THINK about others before themselves and this world would be without so much pain. I just want people to THINK...
I know God uses all pain to make Him stronger, because broken people draw near to Him. I really do understand this, pain needs to be in this world to know we are living for something much greater! I don't understand people is what I am trying to say, somethings I will never know until I am face to face with God, and oh boy I can't wait! Every day is a struggle and I am thankful because the more I get broken the more I actually become stronger in God.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Haha, and I introduce you to my sister Lisa, for those of you who don't know her, this is her and as you can see she is crack up! She is such a kid at heart but a great Mom and sister too! This was two nights before they moved I helped them pack and then we went to SUSHI and took some pretty funny pictures in her car!
Took O to the beach the day before they moved.
Olivia is BEAUTIFUL!
AHHH!! This is why I love her so much!
Driving home from the beach, stuck in traffic but her and I always have a good time singing to the Beatles or Beach boys!
She's sooo cute!
Going out to dinner, yum yum!
Here's Milla Jane, Lisa's new baby.
Lisa again I thought I'd show you a normal picture.
This is my family when they took me to Vegas, Lisa, Jodi, me and Olivia. Jodi is amazing as well!
Dining room all packed up.
Olivia's room was sooo cool!
My sister Lisa left yesterday to Santa Monica. Even the thought of that makes me sad. I know what everyone is thinking, "it's just Santa Monica," but no, no it's much more than that. I was over at her house in Riverside everyday, my job was to watch her daughter, my best friend and niece, Olivia, and sometimes her new baby Milla and now I can't do that anymore. They are both the most loving people in the world! A lot of who I am I give full credit to both of them. Olivia is only 11 and she has taught me more about Christ then many people in my life. She is such a beautiful child of God! I am so thankful for her! I grow everyday hanging out with her and I only hope I can be as much as an example of God for her as she is for me. She is brilliant and God sure blessed her with brains and good looks too! I am probably going to drive by there old house from time to time and just sit there and think because that house holds so many memories and so much happened there that I will never forget. I will always hold those memories in that house dear to my heart. So many of them, how could I forget? I know my sister is strong and she will be perfect there and it is much more conveinent for her to be there considering her job consists of her driving to L.A. for castings almost everyday! I just am being selfish not wanting her to be there because of all the great times we have shared, and all the times I would just call because I had a bad day and she would say come over we will cheer you up! She could always cheer me up no matter how much I didn't want to be around people, I could always count on her! I guess I just wanted to show everyone how much they have given me and all I could think of was to dedicate a blog to them to show my love for them! I really do love them and like I said before God has a reason for all of this, the hard part is figuring that meaning out...
It's time to make some more good memories in Santa Monica in her new apartment, praise God for that!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I guess betrayal pretty sums it up for me as of right now. Don't even know what to say about that.
I thank God for giving me a heart that feels because sometimes our eyes are so blind to see the truth we don't want to believe but our heart knows better. I am literally becoming numb to all this pain that repeats itself. I learn something new everyday, good or bad, doesn't matter. Today just so happened to be a bad one. It's like something new comes out everyday... Why do I continue to be shocked by it? I should know by now.
Oh well, no ones perfect, I know that most of all.
All I can say is your performance made me stronger now, so take a bow cause you have taken everything else!
I get home from Jordan and the next day my sister Lisa comes to pick me up to surprise my niece Olivia at school, I was already sad to be home because I fell in love with Jordan so much! The first thing she tells me is she's moving to Santa Monica on the 15th! I sat there in disbelief! NO, NO, NO you are not! You can't take Olivia! Well, yupp she is, she is moving and renting her awesome house out! That stinks! Moving into a one bedroom apt. with two kids will be interesting. She needs to be closer to LA for her job though I can't blame her. I just wish I could buy her the flower shop she's always wanted so she can stay here! If I could do that I would in a heartbeat! I have gotten so close to her this past year and Olivia, well she is my best friend too. I don't know what I am going to do without seeing them almost everyday. Going over there just for stupid advice on outfits and especially her asking my advice on fashion too. Going over there when I have tears rolling down my face and Lisa and O being there through it all. Them coming and joining me for brunch or dinner at the caf and acting like goofballs with me there. Lisa making me laugh because she is the most real person I have ever met! I can't explain the bond I have with them it's amazing and I don't think I could ever ask for two people that have blessed me more in my life! They have been through everything I have been through and have been my backbone for the past year more then anyone could know. I know God is doing this for a reason. I need to grow in Him not in anyone else, even family! I am just distraught that they are leaving... It won't be the same, change is good right? I really hope it is this time...
There's a lot more other then that, I don't even want to get into it that's a whole different can of worms.
All in all being back in America sucks!
I don't think one thing has gone right, I have had fun but that doesn't mean it's right...
God just heal me, and help me to forgive! No person will ever amount to the grace and love you have given me, help me quit searching for that in flesh. I only want to thirst for you! You are all I need! Amen.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Standing at top of Mount Nebo. This is where Moses looked over the Holy land. It is beautiful you can see all of Israel.
The DEAD SEA, my fav tourist place! As you can see it doesnt look so dead does it?
About to get baptized by this grizzly bear also known as Guy Grimes. Ya the water is green and it isnt much of a river anymore (sad sad) but still an amzing experience!
As you all already know I am back home. I am living with my best friends family "the Bowers" I am very grateful for that too. The first day I got back Brit got me at the airport, and I was soooo happy to see her beautiful face! =) We got some taco bell on the way home and I got sick and continue to keep getting sick from the American food, wierd? It stinks but oh well. Hoipefully I will get over it soon. I wasn't that tired which was good because I needed to stay up until at least 9. It's crazy our flight left Amman at 2:30am, landed in Frankfurt at 8am (4 hour flight) and then got back to fly to Cali (12 hour flight) at 10am and landed in LAX at 12:30 in the afternoon, crazy eh? We all got to live Tuesday twice haha. The flight had a lot of turbulance and everyone was all freaked out, I actually was calm about it, suprising I know. So pretty much everything went great with the flight and the team all got home safely on Tuesday, May 27th at 12:30pm. I went home to Brits mom making me a welcome back dinner. It was yummy! At about 7pm I felt as if I was a zombie and headed to bed ASAP!
Now, Update on the trip and what really went down! I know it sounds like in my prior blogs all we were doing was having fun and partying, well we were having a great time but we did a lot more than that. God blessed our trip more than any of us could ever imagine! I just couldnt say that when I was in Jordan because they scan our e-mails and we could get in some deep doo-doo, crazy I know. So, now you know God, yes he is the MAN! Our first week was our tourist week because Robert was down a friend of the "M" so he wanted to knock out two birds with one stone. We saw a lot of neat things down in Jordan and I will never forget them. I am so happy I got to meet Robert he is an amazing guy! A lot of us got sick the first week. I didn't and was so happy until the second week I got super sick! I was the only one that had to actually stay in a whole day, what a bummer! I slept about 7 hours during that day until the team came home and woke me up I felt better within three days, but it was hard to get better because the smoke and dust is everywhere. The smoke and dust out there was intense so it was honestly hard not to get sick from it. Anyway, we did a lot of communication out there. We had specific groups to where we would go on campus (University of Jordan) and try and talk to people and learn about them and there language, which is Arabic and is amazing! We actually made so many freinds doing that and I know will keep in contact! The group idea didn't work out too long because Kels and I went a lot of places together, we felt we were most effective together and we were. We met many girls together and some of which already call us there best friends! I am so grateful for God putting them in our path. The crazy thing is they approached us and spoke English (just happened to be English-German majors) very well! The language barrier was a lot harder then I thought It would be. We hungout with so many different people and each one beautiful in a distinct way. We also did some feeding in poor areas (Palestinian refugees)for a couple of days. Some of which were Christian and got to share there story with us, (incredible) and others were Muslim but all were so welcoming and loving! The hospitality shown in Jordan is priceless, I can't get over it. You walk in a house and the first thing they do is serve you food or a drink of some sort, (usually tea or this crazy coffee stuff, yikes.) We visitied an orphanage too. This was my favorite day, considering I want to hopefully have an orphanage or do something of that sort some day. I love kids they were so awesome! They just wanted to be loved and played with and we showed them so much attention, they seemed to be very happy! We played some games like baby shark and the hookie pokie. They loved it! The kids kept saying anna, anna meaning me, me because they all wanted to be picked up more then the others. It was so sweet, the only downfall was I wish we could have stayed longer. It was a very clean and organized orphanage and we were all blown away by that. We all were sad to leave. Kels and I snuck upstairs to spend time with some of the older girls because the kids always get the attention. Only one girl was awake and she showed us pictures of her friends and we talked as best as we could. We left and headed off to have dinner with the "M's" out there. I loved going to there houses because it was the only place that really felt like back home, only because they are American. I loved being with there kids too they shared so many great stories and brought so much sunshine into my life being out there away from my family and friends. They all have the hospitality as the Arabs do too. We had a few lessons in Arabic, which was intense but we honestly learned a lot. I sometimes use it out here when I don't mean too and people get confused but it's just a habit now. We did so much more then I can even write, but I don't want to bore you so that was the run-down. The trip was more then I ever thought it would be and I can't wait to return to Jordan! There is so much to be done and I didn't feel comfortable leaving yet! Our whole team didn't want to leave. I know everyone says you get in a wierd phunk when you come back and it takes a while to get out of it but I don't think I will be out of it for a long-while. I LOVE JORDAN and everything about it, the people, the land, the food (MANSEF!!!), the culture, the smoke, the dust, the streets, the smell and on and on. I am in an indifferent state being back home. It just doesn't feel right. No one can understand fully what you have seen or where you have been until they experience it themselves. In the meann time I try my hardest to explain anyway, haha. It is weird everything in America now reminds me of Jordan and I want to tell everyone the story behind this or that and the inside jokes we all had out there, but there is a reason they are called inside jokes. I find myself getting very sad at random things because I miss being out there so much. I thank God for giving me this opportunity and keeping everyone safe but I know this isnt the end! I miss Jordan very much and am seeing what God has in store for me next...
God made this trip possible, God did all the work, we were just privileged enough to be his hands and feet!
Thanks again to everyone who prayed for em out there, it helped more then you know. There were times when I wanted to give up but didn't because all you guys back home! So, THANK YOU A BILLION! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Please keep praying for me and especailly the Muslims in Jordan. I want to be sure I keep a relationship with the girls we met out there and show them the LOVE Christ has for them!