Monday, June 30, 2008


Lately I have found myself thinking non-stop to the point where I can't sleep. My mind is so jumbled with different thoughts about people, my life, my "journey", my family, my God, and of course the thing that fills every womens head, men, or should I say boys. I keep saying why? I know what a lame question, but I ask it all the time. I have put people on this pedestal and tried to reach it myself but realize no I will never get there, not because I am not good enough, just because that's not the road God wants me to take. The road God wants me to take is definitely the road less traveled. I have kept praying and trusting God but all that keeps happening is signs showing I need to leave to help others. Although, some days I want to just have all the riches in the world I realize that it is just temporary, the Kingdom of God is eternal that's what I work and strive for everyday! Sunday morning I was having a chat with an old "friend" and we started talking about God. I brought up how my life feels level, I am not abandoning God but I feel as though I am not glorifying Him right now either. I read my Bible, I pray, but I feel empty about it. He said faith is easy Shelb, it becomes hard when you actually get tested and he said the same thing with believing in God. He said don't worry it will all come together in the end, just keep reading, keep praying God will not reign fire on you if you do something wrong, you are going to punish yourself with your conscience and feeling guilty. He said many other things that helped me but I thought it was crazy that him and I were just talking about this then I go to church and the sermon Matt Brown had was on just that. I don't know what God is trying to tell me but I definitely can feel something. I guess this all goes back to why my head is so jumbled. Nothing is really making sense, but yet I have to trust in God with it, that's what faith is all about.

One more thought, I trust people so easily and almost everyday I get let down, recently this has been the biggest dilemma in my life. I am sick of thinking people won't let me down, they often do I just need to realize people aren't perfect that is the way God made it. That doesn't mean I need to sit around and take the way I get treated or backstabbed by people that call me a great freind because honestly if I was that great of a friend things like "this" wouldn't happen, right? I have said this before I can forgive only by the grace of God but I don't know if I can ever trust again. Lying is a nasty sin that is so easy to get tangled in, I know. I just hope God can save me from the temptations I may have to lie to someone seeing the outcome in my life nothing good comes from it. Lying hurts others and yourself. One day I pray everyone will realize when you sin even against yourself or another you are hurting not only yourself and that other person but every single person that cares about you or cares about the other. It is like dropping a pebble in a pond, it ripples, and shakes up the whole pond. People can say sorry all they want and we can forgive all we want, but the word sorry is meant to be used one time not numerous times for the same situation repeating itself. The word sorry gets abused in my opinion, it's easy to say but hard to follow up on. If we would let God take that sorry and all the sin that comes with it, we wouldn't have to keep using the word sorry so much, but that seems to be the hardest thing to do. My niece and I were talking one late night around Christmas time and I was telling her about a situation and how I hated the way I felt and I can't even imagine how others were feeling about it. I found myself beggining to understand others feelings very well (I know sad being 20 years old and finally realizing others have feelings too). She said to me you got it Shelb, you understand, all you need to do is think J.O.Y. (Jesus, others and yourself). I know cheesy but coming from an 10 year old at the time I was blown away. I thought to myself wow, I am going to keep that in mind and everyday wake up thinking that. It has helped me not to be so selfish in my journey with God.

I want people to THINK that one night of satisfaction is not worth giving up an eternity with God. I want people to THINK that what is cool is not always right. I want people to THINK about others before themselves and this world would be without so much pain. I just want people to THINK...

I know God uses all pain to make Him stronger, because broken people draw near to Him. I really do understand this, pain needs to be in this world to know we are living for something much greater! I don't understand people is what I am trying to say, somethings I will never know until I am face to face with God, and oh boy I can't wait! Every day is a struggle and I am thankful because the more I get broken the more I actually become stronger in God.

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